My life on the D-list

Although my traffic is increasing, it’s definitely not pushed me up from the D-list of bloggers, a term I recently discovered in an e-report called Boom and Bust in the Blogosphere.

My corporate clients continue to put food on the table. But as soon as the deadlines have passed, I’m happily writing, gratis, on my blog. It’s all part of my grand plan to write a best-selling book called Write Like You Talk–Only Better, save the world from snooze-inducing writing, reel in lucrative training gigs and propel me onto the A-list of bloggers and conference speakers. I dream.

In the meantime, maybe I should follow the example of Kathy Griffin’s reality show, My Life on the D-List. But how would I pitch a reality show about a D-list blogger?

Of course, the bloggers’ D-list is humbler than Kathy’s Hollywood celebrity community. But there are parallels.

Like Kathy, I have an octogenarian mother. She doesn’t drink wine from a box, but she loves her cigarettes, in her wheelchair under the gazebo at the nursing home. Even in fierce blizzards, snow crusted, she puffs away.

To add some action, my father, with his Kramer-style flair for physical comedy, could roll in on his bicycle, smashing into bushes, patio chairs and other obstacles he’s too blind to see.

Like Kathy, I adore animals, especially my gender-confused shitzu Cocoa, and gays, like the couple across the street who bring me home-made pickles and organize group yard sales.

I too have an entourage, Team Sawyers, my two teenagers, both crazed by the hormonal excesses of puberty. No tattoos, but lots of drama, music and Facebook, which Kathy is trying to get into.

Kathy asks A-list celebrities for advice. This could be difficult, as I can’t afford to jet around. But I guess I could have cornered Shel Israel, author of Twitterville, at the Third Tuesday meetup earlier this week. And I could Twitter stalk local A-list bloggers like Mathew Ingram or Joe Thornley. But that’s probably not good TV.

The truth is my only brush with celebrity bloggers involves reading and occasionally commenting. Again, not camera candy. Maybe I could entice Darren Rowse to visit, though Australia is far away.

Sadly, the more I think about it, the more differences I see in our D-list lives. Kathy hangs out in a modern and tidy California mansion. I have an aging house in Toronto where something or someone breaks or breaks down pretty much every day.

Then again, we do compensate for the lack of glamour with more reality grit. I don’t recall pedestrians or traffic or much hubub around Kathy’s home. But in front of my house, a camera crew could pick up a colorful parade of characters walking to the subway, a halal pizza cafe or a crack house.

That makes me think that perhaps I could dip into the reality crime genre, though we hardly have any violence compared to L.A. Instead of organized gangs, we have the dim wits who broke into my house without turning off their cell phones. They woke up Cocoa, who barked like a pit bull, banned here, and scared them off. Minutes later, they used my stolen credit card in a taxi cab. Equipped with a videocam, the cab ride led to an arrest and plea bargain.

For Rambo justice, there’s our Neighborhood Watch group who recently alerted police, on the non-emergency line of course, to the shifty fella knocking on doors with a sob story about money. Turned out to be a liar with warrants for his arrest. The cops nailed him, though the case will probably take years to go to court and then be thrown out.

To hardened American viewers, I guess our true crime stories aren’t up to snuff, pun intended. We could substitute some scenes about dodging death with Team Sawyers, who have no private health insurance, thanks to a visit to the doctor, or even the hospital. Too everyday for Canadian viewers.

Okay, I give up. The networks will never pick up a show about a D-list blogger. But there’s always the local cable station. Or maybe I should just get a web cam. But then I’d have to follow Kathy’s example of always looking good.

Too much effort. And I can’t afford the cosmetic surgery that she talked about on Larry King . Besides, I’m already spending too much blogging when I should be writing for clients. Back to my D-list reality.


3 Responses

  1. Fabulous writing, Barb. In my books, you’re an A-lister.

  2. Thanks Donna. Your cheque is in the mail.

  3. Barb, what you need is a quick syndication deal.

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